Couples to Attend Mandatory Z Periods

New rules for the 2015-16 school year will prohibit hand-holding.

Starting the new school year, HBA administration will implement a weekly Z Period that is mandatory for all students involved in romantic relationships with other currently enrolled students.

“These periods will be a time for students to receive a more in-depth look at our rules regarding public displays of affection,” explains a counselor involved in the new plan, “as well as provide advice that can hopefully improve such rudimentary relationships.”

According to administration officials, this change was brought about by the consistent cases of obscene affection seen around the school. “My boyfriend and I have gotten many demerits for sitting too close to each other this year,” said a student who has heard about the plans, “so I’m looking forward to learning how we can resist those urges as my mom says I will have to break up with him if I get any more demerits.”

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“Instead of kissing or hugging, we’re going to teach students that high-fiving or pressing fingertips together can be just as intimate,”

HBA high school counselor

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Another student was less keen on the new rule. He said, “I think this whole thing is stupid. I could just tell [the administration] that me and my girlfriend broke up, so we won’t have to go; they can’t control us.” While students may try to feign breakups in order to avoid seminars, an unnamed source in the administration has indicated that ‘undercover’ teachers around campus have been documenting cases of Public Displays of Affection (PDA) since the beginning of the 2014-2015 school year as a way to track student couples.

Couples’ Z Periods will begin on the first week of school in August and will include sessions where students can practice appropriate alternatives to hugging and kissing, write self-reflective journals, and engage in activities intended to help couples grow in their faith and with each other.

“Instead of kissing or hugging, we’re going to teach students that high-fiving or pressing fingertips together can be just as intimate,” explains one of the counselors involved. Other alternate means of affection that will be covered include blowing kisses and one-armed side hugs.

For a list of students that will be required to attend these periods, click on this link to view or download the link.

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